she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
