i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
