That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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