apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
