does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I didn't notice because vodka
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
