oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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