I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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