Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
