why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
