it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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