I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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