Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
