This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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