the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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