the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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