Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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