I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
