well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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