Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
