A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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