My sheets look like a crime scene.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
