i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
