all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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