i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize