i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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