You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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