I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
