when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
