College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize