i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
