dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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