I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
