I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
