Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
