he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
