I can text with my tongue
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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