I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
