i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
