If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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