On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize