i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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