I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
