I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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