Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
