"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
