I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
