I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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