Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
