Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
