why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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