if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
