I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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