You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize