When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
