Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
