We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
